About

To most people, I seem fearless. I travel all over the world by myself. I gave up a lucrative office job to become self employed in an uncertain industry. I eschew the things I “should” do and instead, do whatever the hell I want.

But the truth is, I’m not all that brave. My definition of fear is just different. I’m just as scared as everyone else–just of different things. The things that bring comfort to normal folks–a stable home, the same job for 10 years, living in the same place–inspire abject terror. Being tied to a mortgage? Terrifying. Settling for a relationship that’s good but not great? Terrifying. Having children and sacrificing my life for theirs? Terrifying. Waking up one day and realizing that you’ve spent most of your life doing the things you “should,” do, but you’re still not happy? TERRIFYING.

Since college, I’ve led a dream life. I’ve been all over the world. I work from wherever I am. I’ve been to the top of the Eiffel Tower and the bottom of a canyon in El Salvador. I’ve puzzled over the Cyrillic alphabet in Russian cities and ridden bikes in the African desert. I don’t worry about what people think. And it’s been AMAZING. I’m so proud of my life and how it allows me near complete freedom.

But over the past year, I’ve felt a gradual shift in my dreams. I’ve also noticed a disconcerting pattern. Whenever I come up against a roadblock or something scary–figuring out my finances, losing weight, or pursuing my goal as a professional performer–I turn to travel. In other words, I run away in the most spectacular fashion. Once upon a time, travel WAS the dream. And it still is, of course, but I’ve felt the clock ticking on some other dreams.

The thing is, these dreams are absolutely terrifying. They are, in no particular order:

– Lose weight
– Get finances under control
– Make a serious attempt to be a professional performer
– Buy a cheap house that will give me roots–so my wings will be more comfortable. 🙂

I understand if that sounds strange–that these simple, normal things might be paralyzingly scary. The kind of scary that sends me running to online booking engines to look for the cheapest flight out of the country. But friends, they have plagued me for the past 10 years. I recently found a blog I started 4 years ago and never finished. It said pretty much the same thing. Talk about a wake-up call! FOUR YEARS ago, I had the SAME GOALS. That means I’ve made no progress toward them! That’s not to say that I haven’t progressed in other areas, of course, but these are important goals. I was horrified to read that.

So. The time has come to go after those terrifying goals. I just turned 30. I’ve never once been comfortable in my body. I want to wear a freaking bikini without feeling horrible! My finances are all over the place–as in, absolutely abysmal. It’s really humiliating to admit that. I have talent, but A) I’m too overweight to perform professionally and B) I’ve always been too afraid to try! (Well, I did one professional audition for fun, but I was horribly sick when it rolled around and I sounded like a frog reciting Shakespeare.) And because my family no longer lives in my hometown, I don’t have roots–and I’m starting to feel it.

So this year, my goal is simple: do things that scare me. Beat the success anxiety. Find out what will happen when I lose weight and become financially solvent and TRY to be a professional performer and buy a house. If it’s scary, I’m in.

It’s the Fear Free Year!