I am SO frustrated today. I must be more aware this time around, because I’m able to recognize the things I do to sabotage my own progress.
Today is a rest day. Halfway through the day, I started wanting to eat. I mean EAT, like the kind that makes you feel all comforted. The bad kind of eating. Like, wolfing down a huge bowl of ice cream without stopping to think about how it has over 1000 calories. Honestly, I’m not sure why. I got plenty of sleep, woke up at a normal hour, spent an hour going through emails with the Christmas tree lit (my favorite). And then I started stressing out about work…come to think of it, maybe that was it. I wanted to eat my feelings.
BUT. After looking at pictures of brownies on Pinterest for an hour*, trying to find one that was even remotely healthy, I recognized what I was doing and I ate some grapes. They were too sweet, which makes me believe that it was not the sugar I craved–it was the comfort.
*Note that I did this instead of just diving into the work I needed to do and heading off the problem. 🙂
I’ve been fighting it all day, this urge to just give in a bit. Maybe leave some foods off of my food diary. Maybe have another portion of pasta, even though I’m not hungry. Maybe go buy a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and polish it off. Maybe stop sticking to a regular work schedule, give in and buy a ticket out of the country.
I must be more mindful than I usually am, because I’m aware of what I’m doing. I’m aware that this is the point that my efforts normally fade out. Where I allow myself one slip-up, which leads to another and another, until I’m fat and miserable and not doing what I love. And it is a HUGE struggle to fight against the terror that contributes to these urges.
Why do I do this? Intellectually, I know I’ll be better off when I lose the weight and control my finances. Obviously. Somewhere, there is a part of me that is afraid. It doesn’t know what to expect when I succeed. It’s afraid that nothing will change. It’s afraid that I’ll fail spectacularly and have nothing to blame but my lack of talent/effort/ability/skill. It’s afraid that I’ll fail at something that really matters to me at the very core of my being.
Why is it so tough for me to tackle my weight and finances, but totally easy to land in a dangerous city with no plans and sail right through? Why is my response to stress to eat and run away? And how do I convince that scared part of my brain that it will be okay? How do I make myself believe that I can do it and that I’ll be fine, whatever happens?
Thank goodness that I’m aware now. I don’t have any answers, but I’m aware of what’s going on. The only thing i can think of to do is to start retraining that stress and fear-induced, eat-my-feelings response by working out or finding a non-food treat for comfort. And maybe one day, I’ll learn how to DEAL with the stress. 🙂
Fear Free Year 