Feeling the Fear…and Moving Through It

I’ve  been thinking a lot about this whole fear-of-success thing. I’ve never considered myself to be a particularly fearful person. In fact, I’ll admit to having scoffed at people for being ruled by fear.

Not me, I said. I go forth into the world without fear, exploring places that only the fearless dare go.

Turns out, I’ve got my own personal brand of fear, and I never realized how strong it is and how much it’s been holding me back.

That’s an inconvenient blow to the beliefs I’ve always held of myself. 🙂

One of my big goals is to be a professional performer. In order to achieve that goal, I have to be in a place that has an abundance of educational opportunities, audition opportunities, and performing opportunities. Obviously. Now, there’s a certain city that has all of those things in spades. (It’s not New York. Not yet, anyway. Baby steps!) However, the downside (and upside) to that city is that it happens to be filled to the brim with my friends. College friends, high school friends–they’ve migrated there in droves. Having friends around is awesome in terms of comfort and fun.

However, I’ve been living the past few years in a world that’s totally removed from my friends and family. My big fat failures have happened in remote parts of Central America and Asia and Europe, where no one is witness to them but me and a bunch of strangers who couldn’t care less. One of my big fat fears is that if I move to this city and go after my dreams–like, REALLY go after them–there will be a big audience to see me fail. An audience made of people I respect and adore, and whose opinions matter greatly to me. What will they think of me if I fail at being a normal person? When I can’t just run away to another country?

So that’s the situation. I’ve been in transit for years, and now I have to move somewhere. Basically, there are two choices before me: 1) a small town with no opportunities but a very, VERY safe and comfortable atmosphere in which I know I won’t fail, and 2) The city where I’ll be on display but have every opportunity to go after what I want. I’ve been going back and forth between these two options, wrestling with a very uncomfortable inner debate. The small town is safe. It’s home. The big city is scary.

This inner war is worse because I can’t just GO–not with the holidays and prior commitments where I am now. In the past, my biggest, scariest decisions have been made on the spur of the moment, and I’m off onto the next adventure before I have time to be scared about it. A very effective strategy for someone who is terrified of success! No thinking. Just doing.

So every time I decide to move to this city, I’m excited for awhile and then the fear kicks in. Except it doesn’t manifest itself as fear. Oh no, it’s far sneakier than that. It comes up in the form of doubts–will I have enough money to make the move? Will I find a place to live that I can afford? Will I fail before I even get started? And it comes up in the form of discomfort–but I NEED the comfort of home for a while before I can have the courage to move on to something bigger. I don’t have the strength to do it right now. It comes up in the form of rationalization–but if I go home, I can live cheaply, take lessons, get back into the performing groove, and THEN move on to the bigger challenge with confidence.

Now, the rationalization sounds perfectly logical. Those things are all true. But am I just putting off the real action, the real things that will get me to my goals? Or do I really need to go home to heal? Last year was a really, really hard one, and I haven’t quite recovered emotionally. I feel like the parts of myself are still scattered about.

It’s a whole different story, but I had a boyfriend who treated me terribly. He cheated on me, he objectified me, and I was hurt so badly that I literally was just holding on to the strength I needed to get from one day to the next. I literally had no emotional power to make the decision I knew I needed to make–to get out of that toxic relationship. When I finally mustered up the power, it was awesome. But I’m still healing and I don’t quite feel whole yet. (Somehow, bouncing around the world does not make you whole. Imagine that! ha)

So even now, writing it all out, I’m still not sure of what to do. I understand that fear is holding me back and causing me to procrastinate. Running away to another country would be the highest level of self-sabotage. Moving to the city would be a step in the right direction. Three months at home is somewhere in the middle. The thing I need to decide is, do I go all out and just go for it, or do I take it at a pace that’s more comfortable? Will those three months set me back? Probably not. I’ll still be advancing. Will it slow me down? A little.

Oh, dear.

Visualization and Weight Loss

Temptation to binge slipup–tackled! After I rode it out, I didn’t have the temptation to pig out. Also, I’ve figured out that making pasta with lots of veggies and a quarter cup of part-skim ricotta is delicious, full of protein, and low-cal–but it tastes like a super-rich, high-cal dish. Yay!

No sooner had I worked through that one than my self-sabotaging brain moved on to the next strategy: telling me that I should take a break because I don’t feel great. The other day, I felt like crap. My muscles hurt, I was exhausted, and I didn’t want to do anything. I wasn’t sick– just having an off day. So my sneaky little brain starts saying, “Maybe you should just rest for the day. It will be better in the long run.”

A slippery slope.

Again, I recognized it, treated myself to a two-hour nap, got up, and did the 30 Day Shred Level 2. And I felt awesome. YEAH. Take THAT, self-sabotage.

Also, speaking of the 30 Day Shred Level 2–I HATE it. Hate it. I hate the continuous plank-position exercises that leave my shoulders shaking. I hate the chair squats with the lateral V-raise thingy, which always have me howling.

The one thing that’s been getting me through that 30 minutes is visualization. I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser Season 11 (my FAVORITE season), and Jillian Michaels talks about how your mind needs to believe that you can do something before your body will do it. Obviously, that’s part of my problem. As I’ve said before, I’m terrified of what it will feel like and be like when I lose the weight. After researching it, I landed on an article about the power of visualization. The piece said to turn off the lights and all external noises and spend five minutes imagining what success will feel like. It said to walk through a specific experience that exemplifies success in your head, feeling all of the emotions and sensations. Sounds corny, but I was really struggling with that fear.

So before I went to bed one night, I laid there and imagined walking out onto a stage at my goal weight. In jeans that fit perfectly and a fitted shirt, without feeling self-conscious about my stomach sticking out or my arms looking fat or muffin top or a fat ass or legs that are too short and too wide. I walked through it in my mind, feeling the wind of the open-air theater. I jumped forward to seeing my name on the casting sheet. Then I jumped to a dance rehearsal, where I was wearing tight dance clothes without feeling like a sausage. I felt my arm muscles flex and my core engage and my leg muscles power through a tough dance. I felt the joy of doing a perfect sequence across the floor and feeling light and powerful and graceful instead of clunky and chubby and embarrassed. And the CONFIDENCE! I imagined what it would be like if my outsides matched my confident and fabulous insides.

It was odd at first, but after a while, I was able to feel it in my mind and muscles. And since then, I haven’t had those urges to binge. I’m not there yet, of course, but it was a HUGE start. And now, when I think I want to die from the stupid V raises, I think of standing on that stage with my arms out and face turned to the sun, and I power through. Because I want that feeling and my mind is closer to believing it’s a possibility.

The Biggest Loser folks also talk a lot about not running away when you meet something scary, pushing through fear and stepping out of your comfort zone. I’m trying to keep that in mind as I make some major life changes in the upcoming two months. Yikes! I wonder how wise it is to step out of my comfort zone in EVERY area of my life all at once, though. Do I need some sort of security somewhere? I can’t tell if that’s my mind or my heart speaking.

Self Sabotage and Weight Loss

I am SO frustrated today. I must be more aware this time around, because I’m able to recognize the things I do to sabotage my own progress.

Today is a rest day. Halfway through the day, I started wanting to eat. I mean EAT, like the kind that makes you feel all comforted. The bad kind of eating. Like, wolfing down a huge bowl of ice cream without stopping to think about how it has over 1000 calories. Honestly, I’m not sure why. I got plenty of sleep, woke up at a normal hour, spent an hour going through emails with the Christmas tree lit (my favorite). And then I started stressing out about work…come to think of it, maybe that was it. I wanted to eat my feelings.

BUT. After looking at pictures of brownies on Pinterest for an hour*, trying to find one that was even remotely healthy, I recognized what I was doing and I ate some grapes. They were too sweet, which makes me believe that it was not the sugar I craved–it was the comfort.

*Note that I did this instead of just diving into the work I needed to do and heading off the problem. 🙂

I’ve been fighting it all day, this urge to just give in a bit. Maybe leave some foods off of my food diary. Maybe have another portion of pasta, even though I’m not hungry. Maybe go buy a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and polish it off. Maybe stop sticking to a regular work schedule, give in and buy a ticket out of the country.

I must be more mindful than I usually am, because I’m aware of what I’m doing. I’m aware that this is the point that my efforts normally fade out. Where I allow myself one slip-up, which leads to another and another, until I’m fat and miserable and not doing what I love. And it is a HUGE struggle to fight against the terror that contributes to these urges.

Why do I do this? Intellectually, I know I’ll be better off when I lose the weight and control my finances. Obviously. Somewhere, there is a part of me that is afraid. It doesn’t know what to expect when I succeed. It’s afraid that nothing will change. It’s afraid that I’ll fail spectacularly and have nothing to blame but my lack of talent/effort/ability/skill. It’s afraid that I’ll fail at something that really matters to me at the very core of my being.

Why is it so tough for me to tackle my weight and finances, but totally easy to land in a dangerous city with no plans and sail right through? Why is my response to stress to eat and run away? And how do I convince that scared part of my brain that it will be okay? How do I make myself believe that I can do it and that I’ll be fine, whatever happens?

Thank goodness that I’m aware now. I don’t have any answers, but I’m aware of what’s going on. The only thing i can think of to do is to start retraining that stress and fear-induced, eat-my-feelings response by working out or finding a non-food treat for comfort. And maybe one day, I’ll learn how to DEAL with the stress. 🙂

30 Day Shred Level 1–Done!

Today, I did day 10 of Level 1 of the 30 Day Shred! And then I jumped around the living room and cheered for myself. My neighbors probably think I’m nuts, but a little celebration was warranted.

While there’s not much of a visible change, I can feel it. I can feel my muscles as I walk up the stairs–though thankfully, they’ve stopped aching. During the first few days, it hurt to do everything. And while push-ups are still the worst, I can do more than I could two weeks ago. I’m still ditching the water weight and the Thanksgiving bloating (I can’t figure out what causes it), and I can see the changes in my face.

And seriously–thank GOODNESS I can move on from level 1. It’s boring to do the same thing day after day. Actually, I’ve considered switching to the Total Body Revolution more than once, but I’m going to finish something, for once. (see #1 below) Also, I’m not certain that it’s a great idea to work the same muscles day after day, so I’m adding in a rest day after every 5 days and between levels. Not the perfect solution, but it will get me through.

Ooh, one more thing. I wasn’t going to log my calories, but I was all over the place. So I got the My Fitness Pal app and started logging (loooove the barcode scanner). In order to lose 2 pounds a week, it suggested that I net 1200 calories everyday (adding calories for food and subtracting them for exercise). I did that for a few days, but that’s not enough. I was lightheaded all day and didn’t have the energy to put in a good workout. So, I bumped it up to the 1 pound per week level, which is 1427 net calories per day. Feeling better already! I’d rather lose weight a bit slower and feel great than drop pounds quickly and feel terrible.

As I’ve been contemplating all of these goals, there are three major recurring themes:

1. I’ve never been a big finisher. I’m awesome at starting things–and starting them with a big splash. But part of the way through, I peter out for one reason or another. Until halfway through college, I was VERY regimented. That’s great to some extent, but I took it too far and never gave myself a break. So after a while, I decided to live my life for myself instead of for other people’s arbitrary rules. (The things you “should” do.) And now, I’ve swung to the opposite end of the spectrum–I’m TOO permissive with myself. I allow myself to quit because it’s more comfortable.

So now, I am going to become a finisher. I’m trying to keep that in mind all the time so I don’t slip and allow myself to quit. As motivation, I’ve got a fancy little motivational graphic (from Pinterest) as the lock screen on my iPad. It’s a small thing, but it keeps it at the top of my mind.

2. One day at a time. I like big results, quickly. I’m impulsive, so I love the thrill of a big purchase or a last-minute trip–I get what I want, right then. That’s not usually an issue in my normal life, but when it comes to my weight, it certainly is. I’m not going to lose 50+ pounds instantly. In the past, I’ve started out all excited about the end goal, but then when I realize it’s not instantly attainable, I feel overwhelmed and discouraged and I quit. So. Small goals. And another cheesy Pinterest graphic about being closer to my goal today than I was yesterday. It’s the lock screen on my phone. 🙂

3. I’m kind of afraid of what will happen when I meet my goals. When I lose weight, I’ll no longer be able to justify to myself why I’m not doing auditions. When I take care of my finances, I won’t be able to justify not doing the things I need to do for the future. Success anxiety. Fear of success. It’s a thing and it is crippling.

Weight Loss: Month 1!

Just a quickie about the weight loss. I’m taking it a month at a time. This month, I’m doing three things:

1. Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred
I started the 30 Day Shred on November 24th. I’ve done three days, and my body hurts. But it’s a good hurt. Well, except when I climb the stairs. Or walk. Or try to go to the bathroom. (Too much?) I want to do 10 days on Level 1, 10 on Level 2, and 10 on Level 3. That will take me right to Christmas. I want to start 2013 with some muscles! I’ve downloaded it onto my iPad, so there are no excuses when I’m on the road.

2. Easing back into running
I have been in and out of running for the past couple of years. I love it. My longest run was 10 miles, which I did about 2.5 years ago. At this weight, however, and never having been a runner, I am constantly sidelined by injuries. Plus, I have a hard time not going all out when my mind is set on something. Tonight, I finished week one (I’m using the Ease into 5K app on my iPhone), and it’s been so much fun.

3. Clean eating
This one is my favorite. Have you seen that quote (probably on Pinterest) about 80% of the way you look being due to diet and 20% to exercise? I firmly believe it’s true. I tend to go overboard when I count calories (seriously, I find it difficult to do anything in moderation), so that’s no good. When I eat real food, go heavy on the vegetables, and listen to my body, things are perfect. My stomach gets flatter (I usually bloat easily), I feel SO GOOD, and my skin practically glows. It requires more preparation than I care for, but I’m overcoming my disastrous tendencies in the kitchen with the help of magazines like Clean Eating. My friends and family know me as a connoisseur of frozen pizza, and I think this will be the most important step.

Goal 1: Weight Loss

In my About page, I mentioned that I ran across an old blog, one that I wrote in June of 2008. I made it through three posts and stopped. The blog was dedicated to losing 40 pounds so I could be at 125 in order to be competitive in the professional performing arts arena. 40 pounds. I was 165. Four years later, I’m about 191. 26 pounds HEAVIER.

Oh, how depressing. So. Depressing.

I carry weight relatively deceptively. When I’m clothed, you’d never guess that I weigh 191 pounds. I wear a size 12. I develop muscle pretty quickly. Three months ago, I was doing an “ease into 10K” running program that was about an hour long and got up to 5 miles of running/walking. I was doing a lot of dancing, and the weight was coming off. I was about 180. One overuse injury and three months later, here I am. Fat. Feeling gross. Unhappy with my body. And, even a few days after Thanksgiving, I’m SERIOUSLY bloated. As in, I weigh about 6 pounds more than I did a week ago, and that’s entirely due to bloating and water retention. (You can see it in the pictures at the bottom of the page.)

So. My goals! I figure I can start auditioning seriously at 160.

Current Weight: 191
Interim Goal: 160
Ultimate Goal: 135

I’d like to set some date-related goals, too:

Late February/Early March (3 months from now): First big fat audition
Late June (7 months from now): Wear a swimsuit with confidence for my birthday!

It seems that the universe is delivering one kick in the pants after another. I took a “before” picture the other day, and I cried when I saw it. Then that blog. Then I saw myself in my favorite jeans. Then I caught a glimpse in a mirror of myself sitting next to my brother’s teeny tiny girlfriend. I literally cannot believe I’m going to post these photos online. They are humiliating. BUT. If the goal of this year is doing things I’m afraid to do…well, I’m terrified of this. Here we go: